


Stars hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires

by ElinorBlack



Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Comes Out, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, The Clave (Shadowhunter Chronicles)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:13:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElinorBlack/pseuds/ElinorBlack
Summary: Alec Lightwood has tried his entire life to hide a part of himself from the world, but it is not an easy secret to keep especially from those closest to you.Alternatively, five times someone realised Alec was gay and one time he told everyone.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 3
Kudos: 25





	Stars hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this like two years ago and only just getting round to posting it so hope you enjoy.

By the age of eleven, Alec was almost certain that he was different than the rest of the shadowhunters that would visit the Institute. If anyone visited they would always talk to his parents, barely even glancing at him or Izzy, but he would often listen to their conversation, not even that well hidden but no one cared to take notice of him. When he saw couples, married like his parents it would always be a man and a woman, as if that were the only possible combination. 

Alec knew how he was supposed to feel about girls, his father, when he was at dinner would tease him about getting a girlfriend, often asking him if he had a crush on Aline Penhallow as she was one of the few shadowhunter children he sometimes got to see, but they mostly talked through fire message. Unfortunately for Alec he just couldn't feel that way about Aline or any other girl no matter how hard he tried.

He often found himself looking at the posters of mundane bands in Isabelle’s room. They were handsome with their hair falling perfectly to their stylish clothes that seemed to fit just right. Not like his which seemed to be getting baggier and baggier every year, just to hideaway.

Alec knew that how he felt about these boys was how he was supposed to feel about girls. 

No good shadowhunter man thought other guys were handsome or pretty and there were definitely no shadowhunters married to someone of the same gender. He knew he had to hide these feelings, be ashamed of them and never let anyone else ever know, not even Isabelle. If they did, well Alec didn't know what would happen. No one in the Clave ever talked about being different so he would either have to live his whole life as a lie and find a nice shadowhunter girl to settle down with or risk being deruned and losing his family forever.

He was aware that if he were to do the former he would have to be careful, never letting enough information out for a seed of doubt to be planted. He was already struggling with that one as his mother had caught him staring at the posters on Izzy’s wall. He was so afraid when she caught him looking, as he knew it was not something he should be doing. He was terrified that she would scream and shout at him for thinking such abnormal thoughts, worried that she would no longer treat him the same, that she would treat him as if he were broken

However, he kept looking at these men but now always checking if he was alone because even though he knew it was wrong he had to know if how he felt was real or if he just hadn’t met the right shadowhunter girl yet.

That all changed the day he met Jonathan Christopher Wayland.

Jace that’s what his mother nicknamed him after he came to live with the Lightwoods. He was the son of Alec’s father Robert’s parabati Michael Wayland who had recently died. And he was beautiful. Once he saw Jace, Alec knew for definite that he was different. He would look at Jace and notice things that he knew he shouldn't have noticed, like how his golden hair reflected the early morning sunlight streaming in through the window while they ate breakfast. The sunlight creating a gleaming halo around Jace’s head. They all had angel blood but Jace seemed truly angelic with all of his golden looks. 

Whenever they trained together Alec could see the fire burning behind Jace’s brilliant gold eyes. He was a warrior and strong. Not like Alec who couldn’t even overcome his feelings for the other boy. Alec knew how he felt was wrong. That if Jace ever knew how he felt he would lose him forever. Jace was a promising shadowhunter and he wouldn't want to be associated with a disgrace like him. So he kept it hidden, more afraid of losing Jace than living the lie, only daring to glance with the smallest looks in case anybody else noticed. 

He kept all of these thoughts to himself even becoming Jace’s parabati in order to keep Jace with him at all times. In reality, it felt like the cowards choice. A parabati bond was perhaps the strongest bond a shadowhunter could have, but romantic relations between parabati were forbidden. Alec knew that if Jace wasn't an option for him he didn't have to let his emotions get the better of him.

So that's how it was for years. Jace growing to be the best shadowhunter of his generation with Alec silently watching and protecting from his shadow. Keeping how he felt shut away, only allowing himself a few moments of solace at night alone in his room away from the prying eyes of his family to reflect on the love he felt for Jace. Then came Clary and all the mess she bought with her. Jace clearly had feelings for the girl and Alec just felt so jealous. He had known Jace since he was eleven and now this random girl just swoops in and takes all of Jace’s attention away filing him with jealousy.

He doesn't know why he reacted to her the way he did, well he did but he doesn't know why he let it get to him as much as he did. He had spent all this time hiding the way he truly felt and almost all of it came spiralling out because Jace preferred this little girl to him. However annoyed he was at Clary in the beginning, he was grateful in the end because with all the trouble she bought with her, she was the one who lead him to Magnus.

By this point in his life, Alec knew for definite that he was gay, a term he had discovered after overhearing a conversation while out on patrol. He liked men and there was nothing he could do to change that fact. But no one could ever know so whenever he caught himself looking he would quickly look away in the hopes that nobody had caught him, until Magnus.

Alec was unable to take his eyes off of Magnus that night at the party. Even with Jace, he had never felt like this.

Magnus just commanded the attention of everybody in the room, yet instead of looking at Isabelle or even Jace, he appeared to be watching Alec.

After that night even with all the chaos going on Alec’s thoughts kept getting dragged back to Magnus. How his eyes were so much older than the rest of him, the way his inky black hair was spiked to perfection and how his outfit made him stand out in a room filled with dozens of downworlders.

No matter how hard he tried Alec kept thinking about the warlock. 

Then there was the greater demon attack.

All Alec could feel was pain coursing through his body as the poison was pumped around his bloodstream. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, barely even there when he was awake due to the sheer agony he was in. He thought he had heard Izzy and maybe Jace come by his bedside, but he was unable to process any of the information his mind was providing. Until he felt a wave of relief washing over him, It was like a gust of wind on a hot summers day helping to ease the pain out of him. Even with the pain subsiding Alec’s brain still wasn't working properly so he wasn't really aware of what or who was healing him. All he saw was a vibrant blue swirling around him and what he thought at a glance were cat eyes, He then fell into a deep slumber, his body drained after the taxing fight.

When he awoke Alec was sore, his muscles ached with stiffness and his throat felt impossibly dry. Izzy caught him up on everything he had missed while he was unconscious, and his head was whirling with all the new information about Valentine, Jace, Hodge and the attack on the Institute that he had missed, but one thought stood out. 

Magnus Bane had healed him.

His mind was filled with thoughts of Magnus Bane, and he remembered Izzy saying that Magnus has been flirting with him at the party because he liked Alec. Alec was currently on crutches but he decided that as soon as he was healed he would go visit the High Warlock. While he was walking towards Magnus’ apartment he thought about what he would say to him. At least he had the excuse of thanking Magnus for saving his life to get the conversation started. 

Alec wanted to ask him out because it seemed that maybe someone was actually interested in him, and Alec was definitely interested in Magnus.


End file.
